Despite only having a single shot against Argyle, and being pinned inside their own six-yard box for 89.68 minutes, The Commandos ran out 1-0 winners and cemented their place at the top of the table with a rare 0-0 draw against Mingeeta. Mike’s team are now favourites to successfully defend their title with only two games remaining. 

At the business end of the table, Stuart’s Backdoor Victors did themselves the power of good in their attempt to avoid a third successive Wooden Spoon by picking up three points with a 2-0 victory over the incompetent Springfield Argyle. They need 3 points from 2 games to be absolutely certain of avoiding the Spoon (and handing it to Mingeeta). 

In the cup, The Commandos failed to reproduce their league form and were dumped out in the group stage for the second successive season. The first semi-final was played between Mingeeta and Backdoor Victors, and with so much at stake, the (sexual) tension was palpable.  

Stuart felt horny, which made Pete feel tense.

Stuart’s rampant libido, combined with his shock and amazement at progressing beyond the group stage, combined to afflict him with Sweaty Palm Syndrome, and the Victors bent over and took it where the sun don’t shine, 5-1.

Argyle fought back magnificently and their persistence was rewarded with a goal of such sublime beauty, Pete ejaculated into his grundies.

Final Score 1-1

Gos lost his connection so the league was suspended for a week and the remaining players staged their own version of……

EURO2008

A round robin format was enjoyed by all, league position dictated which player got to pick his team first:

Stuart: France

Pete: Italy

Alan: Holland

Andy: Spain

Results:

R1

France 0 -1 Italy

Holland 5-1 Spain

R2

Spain 2-1 France

Holland 0-2 Italy

R3

Spain 0-3 Italy

France 1-2 Holland

Pete won all 3 games, which crowned Italy European champions.

Stuart disconnected against me after I came from a goal down (he scored with me down to ten men after he injured one of my players, the dirty scummer). He wailed: “It’s not fair!” in a high pitched girly voice, and pulled the plug out of the socket, electrocuting himself in the process. He scweamed and scweamed until he vomited.

The Victors, seasonal whipping boys, find themselves, against all odds, in the cup final, after a 1-0 victory against Springfield Argyle. No wonder they went on to lose to The Commandos. Manager Stuart was so deliriously amazed that his team had reached the final, his higher brain functions shut down.

Sing When We’re Fishing edged out Mingeeta in the other semi-final.

Back in the league, Springfield Argyle ended the title hopes of Mingeeta and Sing When We’re Fishing with some great finishing in front of goal. The game against SWWF was won against all odds, and against the backdrop of Joann tidying noisily, as women do when you’re in their bad books (it turned out I left a sock on the bathroom floor).

Results 07/05/08

8.00pm
Sing When We’re Fishing 1-2 Springfield Argyle

8.20pm
PEL Cup Semi-finals
Springfield Argyle 0-1 Backdoor Victors
Sing When We’re Fishing 2-1 Mingeeta

8.40pm
Backdoor Victors 0-2 The Great Commandos
Mingeeta 1-2 Springfield Argyle

Hardly initially took the game to Argyle, creating numerous chances and giving manager Alan a number of scares until the 20th minute. A beautiful through-ball put Elmander through, only for him to be hacked down remorselessly by John Terry, who was immediately sent from the field of play.

The resultant free kick was swept deftly along the floor and Ljungberg rounded Robinson to make it 1-0 to Argyle.

The fury went to Athletic manager Barry’s head and he proceeded to play dirty, giving away a penalty for smashing Elmander in the box, who duly dispatched the spot-kick as the guilty defender trudged from play for an early bath.

It wasn’t long before Argyle made it 3-0 despite being kicked, hacked, punched and headbutted with no further retribution from the referee. Elmander had to be subbed with a broken leg that made Eduardo’s look like a flesh wound.

Amazingly, Hardly then scored with 9 men. The Argyle backed off the brute Rooney and he smashed a goal past the Springfield keeper with some aplomb. For a while, Barry played like a man possessed and his team looked like they may find a way back into the game, forcing a number of saves from Schnozzletwong (or whatever the Sweden keeper is called).

His good work was undone however with 15 minutes left as Phil Neville pulled a gun from his shorts and shot Henrik Larsson dead. The referee had no choice but to award a penalty, but amazingly gave Neville just a yellow card. The kick was duly despatched, effectively ending the game as a contest.

The match ebbed and flowed and in the 90th minute, some lovely work from Argyle was despatched through the flailing hands of Robinson and ino the back of the net. The referee however decided to award Argyle a corner rather than a goal, much to the bemusement of the travelling Argyle support who had seen their team systematically butchered in cold blood for 90 minutes plus stoppages.

Hardly manager Barry was laconic in his post match interview, telling Argyle manager Alan to ‘Feck off’. I am sure he will oft be quoted throughout the remainder of the season.

Final Score:

Hardly Athletic 1 – 4 Springfield Argyle